Befriending Death
As a very young child, I met her true countenance, the love she held under her foreboding exterior.
I was not even four when death began to whisper to me. Her voice was somehow familiar, and she often spoke like God did: wise in words, soft in tone. I was not afraid of this, perhaps because it started so early on, so it felt normal to me. It took years for me to realize that not everyone spoke to her, whispered in the middle of the night to death like me. Yet I would ask her and God questions. They’d answer. No big deal.
When my Papa (grandpa) went to the nursing home I missed the daily time with him on his porch. He never said all that much, but he had a knack for silly faces and sitting beside me. I began to sense that perhaps he and I could “speak differently.”
One day I heard my Mama on the phone, all hushed in her tones, but totally sad. Soon after, she was doing dishes and crying, softly. When she heard me approach her she swallowed those tears. I would grow to both hate it and understand it as it would happen often. I touched her hip, as she did not turn around to look at me.
“Mama, why are you so sad ?”
Pause. Long one. She wipes her eyes and seems to think I do not see her sadness.
“I am not sad. You go play. We are going to Nana’s soon.”
When we walked across the street to Nana and Papa’s house, he was not there. His flannel shirt was draped over the porch chair, his cane stood there looking all lonely. He would always use his cane to pretend to grab my leg or arm, especially when we giggled and shared ice cream cones.
I could hear my Mama, and my Aunts and Uncle off in the kitchen with Nana. Something about “nursing homes and visiting and what if he doesn’t make it…”
I sat myself down in his chair, it was painted red wood and had huge plastic covered cushions with green flowers on it. I could still smell him, and I heard his voice. The grown ups smiled at me when I told them to come out on the porch and be with Papa. They never left the kitchen though.
So Papa and I had some laughs and he let me know he was gonna be leaving this earth place pretty soon. Which was okay with me, cause it sounded like he was going somewhere pretty great.
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